The doctor is in.

Today I received an e-newsletter from a marketing services agency. I don't know how I ended up on their mailing list. I'm pretty sure I did not subscribe, so as a form of protest, I am going to vivisect some of their copy right here in public. Following is the offending selection:

Marketing should be viewed as a way to maximize profits and not as a cost center. To move your marketing to the asset side of the balance sheet, companies can use strategic thinking, marketplace assessments and other tactics to uncover new revenue streams.

I will disregard the first sentence as just silly. Of course Marketing (with a capital "M") is a cost center. The people within it do not directly generate revenue. Accounting is also a cost center, but it's pretty necessary. So is Marketing, done properly.

It's the second sentence that causes actual pain, however.

To move your marketing to the asset side of the balance sheet, companies can...

Wait; what? When did we change from "you" to "companies"? Am I a company now? Am I more than one company? These guys must be smart because they're talking about a balance sheet and they seem to know it has more than one side. I will keep reading.

...companies can use strategic thinking, marketplace assessments and other tactics to uncover...

Wait; what? Now I'm uncovering something. I thought I was moving something. Too many "tos" in this sentence. I'm way confused.

...to uncover new revenue streams.

"Revenue streams." I like the sound of that. It's the way smart people say, "money."

But, really. This sentence is an atrocity. An absolute atrocity. I would strike the entire paragraph, but it would leave a big hole in the e-newsletter. If I had to rewrite it, I would do it thusly:

Strategic thinking and marketplace assessments, among other tactics, help companies uncover new revenue streams and move marketing to the asset side of the balance sheet.

It's still pretty empty. No call to action. That's a big no-no if you're advertising your services.

Let us show you how strategic thinking and marketplace assessments, among other tactics, can help uncover new revenue streams and move marketing to the asset side of your balance sheet.

I agree that "marketing should be viewed as a way to maximize profits." But I usually see it applied as some sort of verbal mayonnaise that gets smeared all over an otherwise decent product with the intent of making it more palatable...when all it does is add a lot of fat that we don't really need.

I prefer mustard. Spicy, brown mustard.

Comments

[Mike Moore]

Hilarious and very well done. I also prefer mustard - just plain yellow mustard. The spicy brown stuff is a marketing ploy.

[Erin K. Rice]

But, of course!