If I had a Twitter...

...it might look something like this. I think it's good I don't have one.

8:37 a.m. Arrive at gym. Note the dramatic decrease in cars versus Monday, when both the parking lot and the Kid Zone were full.

8:42 a.m. Hop on elliptical and start workout. See what's on TV. Oh, look, a Stephen Seagal movie is on USA. You know, the one where he's the only white Kung Fu guy running with all the Asian Kung Fu guys. Yeah, that one. Both Fox News and Headline News are showing Congress peppering Clinton, Gates and Mullen with questions about Afghanistan. Observe that Clinton looks much better with longer hair.

8:49 a.m. Ha! My Shuffle is playing the Ludacris song from the end of Tropic Thunder. The only good part of that movie.

8:50 a.m. Dead Asian guy, stabbed with Samurai sword through a paper screen. Blech.

8:52 a.m. Pedal backwards.

8:53 a.m. There's that guy again, with the shaved legs. Looks like a tri-athlete. Nothing wrong with that.

8:57 a.m. Another dead Asian guy. Not sure how this one met his maker but the aftermath sure is grisly.

9:02 a.m. Pedal forwards.

9:03 a.m. Holy crap! How many Asian guys are going to die in this film? They're pouring some kind of green goop all over the body of this one. YIKES! His arm is off! Laugh at my mental Holy Grail reference. Hope tri-athlete eye-candy did not observe me laughing at nothing. Now they're pouring green goop on the severed arm, as well as a handgun. Is it acid? Ooblick? That stuff from the gameshow on Nickelodeon? What is it???

9:05 a.m. Wonder what I'll put on my blog today. Maybe the observation about how we get so frustrated when we tell a child not to do something because he or she might get hurt, but then as adults we can't seem to follow our own advice. Like the whole cell phone usage ban in school zones--why did we have to wait for a kid to be killed to enact this ban? Didn't we already know it was dangerous to drive while distracted? I mean, seriously. Seriously!

9:06 a.m. Decide cell phone rant is too preachy. Try to come up with another idea.

9:07 a.m. The guy sitting behind John McCain resembles an angry muppet.

9:12 a.m. Pedal backwards. I own this machine. What the hell was that?? Oh. Just the ski pole in my peripheral vision. Ha ha ha ha! (Hope eye-candy didn't see me spook at the sight of my own exercise apparatus.)

9:15 a.m. Steven Seagal is making a pinky promise with a kimono-bedecked woman in a Japanese water garden. Strange; I never knew the pinky promise was rooted in the martial arts. Whooooaaa! She disappeared. He's still holding his pinky up. He looks silly.

9:17 a.m. Should my heart rate be that high? This can't be accurate. Move finger away from sensor. Heart rate problem solved.

9:20 a.m. Marilyn Monroe smoked pot?? My image of her as a drug-abusing, misguided, tragic Hollywood figure is totally shattered. Oh. Wait. So...that's pretty much just more useless news, then?

9:22 a.m. Workout complete. Note with satisfaction that Obama's address to the nation last night has shoved Tiger Woods out of the headlines.

9:54 a.m. Sit down to update blog. BREAKING NEWS on MSNBC announces Tiger Woods has admitted to "transgressions." Roll my eyes heavenward. Conduct quick gut check. Nope. I still don't care.